Sunday, September 16, 2012

Recovering the true Self


Loss , Grief and Recovery was one of the courses I studied for the Community Skills Certificate, at the time when my mother died in an operation after an accident.
I had the dream of becoming a counsellor and the course was one steps along the way.

Since then I've been in lots of counselling sessions myself and I did lots of self-development courses.

A week ago I finished an 8 week course called Resolve (the 3rd time).

In Resolve we looked at what our dreams were and this time I got in touch with the dream of being myself and a sense of belonging, which was not fulfilled in my childhood or even as an adult.

The next step  was looking at what we lost, which for me was a sense of self, having a voice and a sense of belonging.

Through the teachings in the course (done by 2 counsellors, who had to have a minimum of 400 client sessions before they could lead the course) I understood the types of attachments we have experienced as a child on a deeper level. I learned that disoriented attachment was one of mine. This type of attachment is at the root of severe mental health issues. No wonder I had experienced severe depression and suffered from extreme anxiety most of my life.

Fortunately, my journey of self-discovery/recovery started a long time ago. When my oldest son was 18 month old (he is now 29),  I learned about the importance of forgiveness. I filled pages of forgiving my mother, father and other people including myself. My mother knew nothing about this, but our relationship was a bit better when we did see each other.

The Resolve course has given me a much deeper understanding of forgiveness. Now I know it is important to feel the loss/ hurt first and express it (in a healthy way) and set boundaries before we can truly and safely forgive.
In the past I had forgiven from an understanding of why people did what they did (very noble, being the good girl), but not that helpful for deep healing.
Feeling my losses started to happen in the last two Resolve courses and more healing happened then.

This time round I was able with the support of weekly counselling (a suggested requirement for the course) to feel on a deeper level again.
I realized that in my childhood I had not been allowed to have needs or a voice, to express my needs. So, as an adult I hadn't allowed myself to have needs or a voice and to express my feelings, since I felt socially inappropriate.
Another realization was the understanding why I prefer solitude and feel socially inapt and why social situations bring up strong feelings of anxiety, why I didn't know how to behave - since my sense of self had not been developed.

Even as a baby I didn't get the eye contact from my caregivers. My mother almost died giving birth to me and since she had no place to go she worked in the hospital laundry while the nurses looked after me. The nurses were not allowed eye contact while feeding me, so they had to place the baby facing away on their laps. My mother resented me, the unplanned child 'that caused her so much trouble.'

So I didn't get the re-assurance, that is so important for the development of a sense of self through the bonding, eye contact or a secure attachment.
It is no wonder that I felt socially inapt, in-appropriate, insecure, awkward, terrified.

The terror was like a lurking monster.

In my last counselling session I drew calm waters with some murky stuff in it. As I talked I became aware of this terror, the lurking monster. I drew a big black jaggedy thing and realized how huge this was, something that  I had carried all my life, the uncertainty, the unpredictability, the terror, the fear of being given away, of dying, because I may be inappropriate, a bad girl. (I had 4 sets of foster parents with my parents in between until 7)

Another thing I became aware of was how amazing it was that I survived and actually turned out the aware, reasonably functioning adult, even if she is socially inapt.

I know that if we fear something to happen it can become a self fulfilling prophecy and it happens.

Since I had not dealt with those feelings from way back then, the terror of that little girl had been stuffed into my body(cells), had been 'frozen' and I had put a band aid of various coping mechanisms like withdrawing and addictions on it.

Sure, I had overcome some of these addictions like drugs, alcohol, toxic relationships, tobacco, but I replaced them with other ones like coffee, salt and playing (free)games.

The more I did counselling with Interactive Drawing Therapy (IDT) and the Resolve courses the more I was able to feel/recover my feelings and come home to myself and the compulsions have been softening.

Apart from the contact I have with a few friends who are understanding and supportive my preference is still solitude, which is my boundary to keep me safe and functioning.

The Resolve course has been good for building my social confidence in a caring environment, where I can be real, by myself, show my feelings and be acceptable and know that the facilitators will keep the group a safe space.

In the final session of the course the participants share their Hero story, which is about where we've been (childhood, wounding, etc) and how we have grown through the course and it can be anything, a poem, song, story, etc.
My hero story was about how I have been able to feel on a deeper level and it included a letter to my little girl, reassuring her that she is ok.

When I read it standing up in front of the group, I cried the whole way through, even though I had read it out loud to two of my friends and a few more times without crying.

The group just listened, held the space for me and gave me some positive feedback.

Afterwards my little girl felt unsure if it was appropriate to express her feelings like that (even though it felt ok and 'good' at the time).

Fortunately I had a counselling session the day after, in which she drew the lurking monster.

When asked what I wanted to do with the drawing, I decided that I wanted to transform it with love. So my little girl coloured it in with pink and surrounded it with pink and yellow for light and then it looked like a caterpillar.

Caterpillars are always hungry, just like my little girl was/is hungry to have her needs met.

Then I drew a chrysalis and my counsellor said, that when they looked inside a chrysalis it is just a mush of cells. To me this resembles my mush of feelings.

The spots of gold on a chrysalis always intrigued me and I decided that they are signs of the treasure within.

Then I drew a butterfly and it had wings that looked crumbled, just like the butterfly has crumbled wings when it just comes out the chrysalis, not quite yet ready to fly.

I feel that in my growth, coming home to myself I am still fluctuating between the three stages, being hungry to have my needs acknowledged and met, feeling my feelings, with the hints of the treasure inside and allowing myself time to adjust before I take flight.

While we were waiting for lunch to be delivered on the last day of the Resolve course I lead the group through a short impromptu Laughter Yoga Session, which had people in fits of laughter.

By no means is 'this goose cooked', my journey of coming home to myself is an ongoing process.

Because of that I have booked in for the next course in a few weeks time, instead of leaving it for another year, which will give me the opportunity to gain more social confidence, uncover more unresolved feelings and allow myself to feel mushy, feel my feelings and help my butterfly to straighten her wings.

The course had a lot more insights for me and feelings and healing on a deeper level.

The hero stories of the other participants were a touching expression of their journey and growth.

The sharing of the group throughout the course contributed to my healing in a big way.

There is so much more I could share.

For now I hope that maybe what I wrote may resonate with you and contribute to your journey somehow.

Below is a link to a video:

Allan Schore in "The Neurobiology of a Secure Attachment"

No comments:

Post a Comment